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Honest Rambles #3

I know that I am just complaining, venting, you could say whining.

I’ve typed and retyped these first couple of sentences because I don’t even feel like writing them. Anything I verbalize doesn’t sound right.

I feel like I really have nothing worth saying, but I have so much to say.

I feel like anything I attempt to complete will remain unfinished– songs, stories, art, projects, books, ideas, hopes, dreams.

I had a little notebook in 8th grade and in it I wrote all sorts of things I hoped to do– from the smallest hope of hanging out with a certain person to the big dream of someday becoming a published writer. As time went by, certain things became impossible; however, I would find loopholes just to cross things off the list, to feel a little sense of accomplishment.

I’ve gone on and off on this “TO-DO LIST” mentality over the years, sometimes trying to do a lot and sometimes having a mindset of “being over doing.” I can easily fall into the trap of trying to do too much and failing or doing nothing and feeling like a failure. Oh yeah, I can preach about balance, but hardly ever have it myself.

I rarely feel successful, productive, significant. It comes in spurts but rarely lasts. So what do I do? I try to read Scripture and pray and understand myself according to how God sees me. I try to connect with people that uplift me and make me feel important. I try to do things and mark achievements so I can feel successful.

But in the end knowledge fails to settle within, relationships flounder, I lose interest and energy and I fail to achieve– and I’m left alone, worn out, depressed and afraid. Afraid that it will always be this way.

I refuse to speak these words, but typing them on an unread blog is fine. It’s all I can do for now…

 

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