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Honest Ramblings #4

I want to be with people, but I wouldn’t want to be with me.

I want to be around people, but I still want my own space and privacy.

I want to be close with people, but I push people away.

All I want to do as I am finishing up with school is to go home and spend time with all sorts of people. But what is that going to look like? Are they going to ask about my life? And what will I say? The same old story– “good, school, church, etc.”? Or will I speak the truth and open my soul? I don’t want to do that, because I don’t want to talk about all that junk. I want to talk about better things, happier times, because I feel like I haven’t known them for so long. So do I act or whine, laugh or cry, pretend or confess?

I do this. I prefer the past to the present or the future to the present, but never the present itself. Yesterday is beautiful, tomorrow is hopeful- but today is just today.

Things pile up. Everything becomes a mountain of responsibility and all I want to do is leave it all behind. When I’m on top of everything, I’m on top. But when I’m not on top, I’m sliding down or in the pits.

So all I can do is wait… but sometimes I don’t know if I can even do that.

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