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Weary

My mind is tired.

After almost 20 years of schooling, I’m ready to be done.  I joke with the kiddos at church often, saying that I’m in 20th grade, or something along those lines. This is usually followed by: “And yes, I realize it’s crazy– I mean, who would want to be in school all those years?”

I’m not ready to stop learning, stop growing, stop thinking. That happens through your entire life– and as an introvert, it happens 20/7 (those 4 hours that are unaccounted for usually take place during dreamless sleep or mindless TV viewing.) But really, it feels like my mind is constantly racing with thoughts.

Thoughts of school, of what I have to do, what I haven’t yet done, projects to come, reading to reflect upon, facts, ideas, and all that jazz.

And then there’s work. I love my job– I do.  But it’s not something that I get to say goodbye to at 5:00.  This is partially because I’m part time and work when I can, partially because I’m in school and have to find time to finish work when I can, and partially because in ministry, the work never ends. It’s not like I’m working at Chili’s.  Now, I have a friend who has worked at Chili’s, and I know that it is fully engaging work, involving mind, body, and spirit– and it can drain all three by the end of the day. But there is still an “end of the day.” You don’t go home and mull over changes and upcoming projects– unless you’re a manager I guess. And, in a way, I guess I’m in management. Go figure.

And then there’s just life.  Thinking about friends past and present. Thinking about creative projects I want to work on. Thinking about laundry and groceries and taking out the trash and walking the dog. Thinking about how much sleep I can actually get before I get up. Thinking about the meaning of life and thinking about the existence of God.  And thinking about whether I can have a snack or if it will put me over my Weight Watchers daily count.

I feel like I’m constantly thinking, analyzing, criticizing, creating, deconstructing, reconstructing, engaging, meditating, reflecting, dreaming, listing, dreading, and worrying about all sorts of things, big and small, within my limits and beyond my control. There is no off switch– which makes “bedtime” really hard and getting up in the morning even harder, because I know it’s back to a day in the life of Evan’s brain.

My brain is tired.

My mind is tired.

I’m tired.

I shall keep on moving forward, by the grace of God– and I’m sure there will be a time when I feel back on track, but for now, I feel blah.  Here’s to looking to tomorrow. Grace and Peace.

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