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15 Minutes of Being 21

I found this journal entry on a random flash drive…

On September 29, 2009 around 11:45 PM, I reflected on my past and wondered about the future. It’s funny, sad, and fascinating to see what I thought about then– and where I’ve gone since then. 

Enjoy.

~:~ 

What do I still need to do?

  • Find my girl
  • Write that book
  • Get that job
  • Have those kids
  • Make those friends
  • Make that art
  • Influence people

Well, it’s been an okay year.  Did LEAD.  Did Sing.  Made new friends.  Went through some tough stuff.  Still doing some stupid stuff.  But still myself.

I am a 21-year-old.

I am listening to Grace by U2. 

I have a lot of work to do. 

Work of grace.

tennantI feel like David Tennant’s Doctor.  There’s so many adventures that my 21 year old self had.  But there’s so many more adventures I wish I had undergone.  Roads I could have traveled.  Friendships I could have pursued. Chances I could have taken.  But there’s no way for me to go back.  I just have to enjoy life here and work to make the world even better.

I’m watching Whose Line is It Anyway.  Humor.

Hear the Clock Tick.  Time is shrinking, the minutes of my 21 year old self growing smaller and smaller.  Soon I will be gone. 

Aging is a form of death.  The person you were, the 21 year old you were, is dead, and the 22 year old person you are is born.  Reincarnation, though, because you are the same person.  Just a different person as well. 

2 Minutes.

EyesI’m afraid that my entire life will be like this.  Always looking back, always seeing things in hindsight, always wishing and regretting.  And how can I change that?  I don’t know.  Didn’t know a year ago, who knows if I know next year.  I’m sure it has to do with doing, but I do not know.

1 Minute to go.

I loved this year.  I loved it.  I loved it even if it wasn’t good at times.  The badness was pleasing at times.  But I must find grace and live with grace.  With whatever time I have left.

I don’t want to go.

I’m a 22 year old.

~:~

I still struggle with looking back, looking forward, being present. But I’ve died and lived so many times since then, it’s hard to fully remember what was going on back then. Almost 5 years ago… Wow.

I guess I should play this song to end off this post…

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